Springtime

As I was cleaning the house a few days ago, I had a bit of a moment.  We are experiencing record-breaking temperatures this week, and the kids (and I) are loving every minute of it.  The first few nice days after winter are always a glorious time, when the yard (and the kids) are full of mud, and you're just so darn happy it's nice enough to go outside you don't even care about the extra mess it makes.

And so it was that I was vacuuming the upstairs, which is part of my daily routine.  On this lovely springy day, and as the kids had just trampled through the upstairs with their muddy boots, the mess was threefold what it would normally be.  And I was joyful it the midst of it all - why?  Because the sun was streaming through the windows, the air was whistling through the screens, and the advent of spring was lifting my soul.

We are also in the season of Lent, which for me has been a particularly difficult one.  I have been struggling with things I thought were long past, feeling like I had taken big steps backwards, and just generally feeling like I was doing a poor job of making any kind of spiritual progress in this season the Church sets aside for just that.  Cleaning this mess in my house, I couldn't help but parallel it with my own life and all the ways I have been feeling like maybe I've allowed things to clutter up there as well.  And the beauty of the message of spring flooded my being - that the Lord shines light into the darkness, breathes new life, and makes you see the mess in a whole new way.  He allows you to be joyful in doing the work you need to do to get it all cleaned up.

With Lent more that half over, I am grateful for this beautiful weather and the new perspective God has given me on my sin.  I pray that for everyone (myself included) the rest of this beautiful season will be a time of hope, of conquering, and of joyfully doing the work that needs to be done - illuminated as always by the light of Christ, who is always busting in through the windows of our hearts and begging us to let Him in.  Welcome, spring!

Katie, ready to enjoy a beautiful spring day!

All Work, No Play? No Way!

It is a beautiful, spring day.  Sun is streaming in through the windows.  Days like this seem to encourage a good learning environment, and today is no exception.  The kids have been beautifully motivated, and after a particularly difficult day yesterday it is a welcomed blessing.

People always assume homeschooling is a TON of work.  And while it is work, to me it's so much more than that.  It is an opportunity for me to learn with my kids, which I find to be a special blessing with the bigger kids.  It's a time set aside for them each morning, where I say to the babies, "you guys play over here for a bit - this time is for your big brothers."  It is far too easy, especially when the kids are old enough to look after themselves, to just leave them to their playing and be consumed with babyhood.  But, as I'm coming to realize, everyone benefits from putting the big kids first every now and then.  The babies learn to occupy themselves for a bit and grow in independence, and the big kids get nurtured in a way that, I am sad to say, would not be so intuitive to me otherwise.  I know there are parents who are excellent at setting aside time for each of their kids, no matter how many they have.  I, unfortunately, am not one.  I need a reason to not get swept away in the day-to-day.  And homeschooling provides just such an occasion.  It is a real blessing.

A friend described it best when she spoke about what quality time looks like for her husband and for her.  She talked about how her husband plays games with the kids, rough-houses, takes them outside, and generally has fun.  Of course, she has fun too.  But as moms we can tend to feel guilty about not getting all the housework done, cooking a perfect supper, and playing a game of touch-football all afternoon with the kids.  For her, quality time is sitting around the kitchen table with the kids in the morning, teaching.  And who says that can't be fun?

When you learn to see school not just as something to "get done", but something that is a joy and a blessing to be a part of, you learn to cherish this precious time.  This is not all work and no play - it is a unique opportunity for me to walk with my children, and be amazed at how they learn and discover, develop and grow into little people.  What a joy!

Homeschooling is not a burden of extra work.  In fact, in many ways I think it has saved my relationship with my older kids.  It sets everything into perfect balance, and helps me to be the best mother I can be.

My little learner

In Secret

As I reviewed the readings for Ash Wednesday with the kids this morning, the familiar words of the gospel didn't hit me much differently than they usually do.  It's the one about praying in secret, not drawing attention to yourself so that others will esteem you, but with a contrite and honest heart.  "And your Father, who sees in secret, will reward you."  (Matthew 6:4)

I didn't think too much about it as I explained it to the kids, other than that it is good advice heading into Lent.  It is a time when Catholic everywhere are organized in their fasting, and I guess it could be tempting to find out what everyone else is doing, to see who is making the bigger sacrifice.  I just won't do that, I'll keep between God and I.  Lesson learned.

Only later in the day did I realize that God was speaking to me on a much deeper level with this reading.  Because while I don't often find myself tooting my own horn looking for praise, I do on far too many occasions expect the kids to somehow realize how hard I work, and to offer some kind of reward (like say, not tearing apart the family room for the third time today!)  Too many times in my anger I find myself listing all the things I do every day to them, expecting that maybe if they just knew how hard I work, they would be happy to lighten my load.  Anyone who is a parent knows that this doesn't matter - they can't understand it.  They are not grownups.

I remember one time when I was in my teens, and my poor exasperated mother was having a similar conversation with me about my less-than-stellar performance on my chores.  "I just want you to care about keeping this house clean," I remember her saying.  And my response in all my teenaged wisdom was, "I'm sorry, but I don't care about it as much as you." I wasn't trying to be smart, just to explain that to me it really didn't make as much of a difference as it did to her.  I did, however, promise that I would try harder for her sake, because I loved her and didn't want her to be so distressed by my lack of effort.  Now as a mother myself, how can I expect my little ones (seven and under) to have more enthusiasm than I did in my teens?

So, my personal challenge this Lent is going to be to carry the burden of endless and repetitive housework quietly, and offer it as a prayer to God.  I will, of course, continue to hold the kids to high standards when it comes to cleaning up after themselves.  But I will not try to justify my day to them.  Instead, I will turn to my Father - who sees in secret, and will reward me.

Happy Shrove Tuesday.  May your Lenten journey towards Easter be a blessed one.

-------------------------

Matthew 6: 1 - 6, 16 - 18
1	"Beware of practicing your piety before men in order to be seen by them; for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven.
2	"Thus, when you give alms, sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be praised by men. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward.
3	But when you give alms, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing,
4	so that your alms may be in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you.
5	"And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites; for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by men. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward.
6	But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you.
16	"And when you fast, do not look dismal, like the hypocrites, for they disfigure their faces that their fasting may be seen by men. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward.
17	But when you fast, anoint your head and wash your face,
18	that your fasting may not be seen by men but by your Father who is in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you.

Settling In Just Fine

Last year, 2011, was a year of change for me.  We had just welcomed our fifth child six weeks before the new year, and I was trading my full-time job outside the home for full-time homeschooling.  I began the year with so many questions - can I really handle all this?  Will I do a good job teaching my own children? Can I keep up with all the demands of running a household with one more little one?

With more than a year under my belt, I am happy to report that things are going just fine.  In fact, better than fine.  I feel like the luckiest woman in the world.  You see, I never wanted to work outside the home once I started having children.  But it was just always a reality in our family, and a sacrifice that I made for the sake of everyone.  I don't regret those years, as I know I made the best decision I could, prayerfully begging God to make another way for us, and walking on the path before me when I could find no other alternatives.  I believe He blessed me through those years of sacrifice, and there are many skills that have come from my time of working that have proven invaluable to me in this new season of my life.

Nonetheless, I did get used to going back to work once each of my babies were one year old, and so I never really had the chance to experience this stage of life at home.  To be honest it frightened me a bit, because I always sort of felt that just as I was at the peak of chaos, I would head back to work and take my kids to someone else's house, to make messes, eat meals, play and fight with each other.  And I would pick them up at the end of the day, bring them home to a clean(ish) house, feed them supper, and get them off to bed.  While I was overjoyed not to have to juggle such a complicated schedule anymore, it did force me to face one thing - that I was now 100% responsible for all of this.  And a newborn.  And school.  Could I really do it all?

I knew it was going to be a tremendous amount of work, and so I prepared myself (like a football player getting psyched for the big game).  But I never could have imagined the incredible blessing this life would be.  It is work, of course it is.  But the payoffs are a million times better than I ever could have expected.  I have spent the last eight years of my life working with injured workers, employers, executives, doctors and patients, and I have to say that my kids are by far the most wonderful (and merciful) of any stakeholder I have ever worked with.  There is such a rhythm to my life, and there is so much comfort and security in it.  Not only am I able to be here for the big milestones in the first year, I get to be a part of everything throughout their childhood - when they learn to read and write, add and subtract, think critically, and do projects on their own - I am part of that.  I am not just looking on at some grand life that is happening without me, I am living it - walking each step with them.  It is glorious!

And so, with a little over a year under my belt, I look back with tremendous gratitude for where the Lord has led me, and where He is taking our family from here.  I waited a long time to be here, and it is worth every bit of work it requires.

World's best bosses!

Love Of My Life

It's true that I am madly in love with my kids.  But sometimes in my swooning over these precious little ones, I may neglect to talk about the one who came first, the first love of my life - my husband.  This eve of Valentine's day has me feeling particularly grateful for the man who loved me first, and whose constant love and faithfulness make this life such a joy to walk through.

A few weeks ago a friend and I were talking about marriage, and particularly the state of marriage in our culture.  She was commenting on the number of unhappy marriages she sees around her, and when I told her that I was happy in my own marriage, she asked if I was in love.  You know how sometimes words leave your mouth, each one of them striking you to the core?  Mine were as follows:  "Yes, more than ever!"  And I really meant it.

After eight years of marriage, I would be lying if I said we have never had our struggles.  But when I look at who we are as a couple, we are happy.  Of course we have disagreements, but they don't colour the whole of our relationship.  As I talked to my friend a little more, I realized that probably has a lot to do with the kind of person my husband is.  While men often tend to keep their problems inside and pretend nothing is wrong, Jeff is never shy about letting me know exactly where he is at, whether he thinks I'll like it or not.  He may not volunteer that information, but I can be certain if I ask him a question I'll get an honest answer.  It is the quality I was first attracted to, and that I most admire in him - he lives with such integrity.

He is also good at being the first one to say he that he is wrong, which actually makes me wonder if maybe I shouldn't grow more in that area, because while I don't mean to wait for him to say it, more often than not he is the first one to apologize after a disagreement.  There is nothing pretentious about him - he is who he is whether we are home by ourselves or in a crowd; whether he is having a beer with friends or talking to our parish priest after mass.

And boy, does he know how to love me.  This is another area where, when I think about it, I really need to do some work.  He showers me with affection and words of praise, and tends to me like I am a princess.  He is so appreciative of what I do at home, and he is quick to draw me a bath if I mention I need to relax.  He makes me feel like I am the best person in the world, which makes me want to be - for him.  At the same time he is good at calling me out on my faults, so that I can grow more into the kind of wife and mother I need to be.

In short, he is my everything.

Happy Valentine's Day, my love.  I am eternally grateful that God has lead me into your life.  No words could ever convey the gift you are to me.  I love you more than anything!

Jeff and I, back in 1998

I think he might be the love
of someone else's life too!

Our Lady of Mothers

I have been a Catholic all my life, but never really felt a great affection for Mary until I became a mother myself.  I had been taught, of course, that she was the mother of Jesus, and that when He was dying on the cross He gave her as a mother to the whole church when he said to John, "this is your mother," and to Mary, "this is your son."  I knew that was why we prayed to Mary and asked her intercession, of course never to replace praying to Jesus, but to commit our prayers in a special way to His mother as well, the same way we ask dear friends to pray for us when we are going through tough times.  When I had my conversion in my late teens and began to embrace the Catholic faith as truly my own, Jesus became such a powerful presence in my life - but Mary, I just didn't relate to her as much.  And I can remember the moment when everything changed for me.

We were approaching our first Christmas as parents and I was watching TV with my five-month-old son.  Someone was on a talk show singing Mary, Did You Know? in honour of the Christmas season.  If you've never heard that song, it's a beautiful reflection of Mary as a mother of a brand new baby, pondering the mystery of the little life she was holding and what she was going to go through as His mother.  You see as the mother of Jesus, she knew something no mother knows when she gives birth - that this child would endure tremendous suffering.  She knew exactly (or mostly) what was going to happen to him, that it would be horrific and terrible, and that she would watch all of it with a bleeding heart.  As Simeon said to her at the presentation, "a sword will pierce your own heart as well".  And she still said yes.  I looked at my baby boy, my own heart hurting thinking about him suffering in even the smallest way, and imagined what that must have been like for her.  Tears streamed down my face, as I truly didn't know if I could have been strong enough to say yes the way that she did.  And how did it not completely break her?  In the face of all of it, she remained a pillar of strength and comfort to Jesus, the true calling of a mother.  Wow.

Katie, on the feast of Mary, Mother of God (January 1)  

Mary has always held a special place in my heart since that day, and particularly in those trying times when I don't seem to have what it takes to comfort my children, I will pray to her.  She has seen me through many a late night with fussy babies, as the rosary becomes my yard stick for how long to stay patiently rocking my children back to sleep.  And it never fails that when nothing else works, they settle back to sleep once they hear the familiar words of the Hail Mary's recited in repetition, while I think on the mysteries of Jesus' life.  And when I finally lay them back into their beds, I pray that as my hands leave them in their crib hers would come behind mine to soothe and comfort them through the rest of the night, and bring them rest.

My second son was a particularly fussy baby, and I remember at one point lamenting that Jesus probably never cried the way my babies do, because being perfect, He was probably a perfectly behaved baby.  I will never forget the challenge when I realized that Jesus probably didn't act any differently than any of my babies, because babies don't cry out of manipulation or bad behaviour - they cry because they need something, and there's nothing imperfect about that.  I realized that in fact, my children were probably very much like Jesus as a baby, but that I was very far from the kind of mother Mary was, and I knew that my call was to be more patient and gentle as she was in the face of this behaviour that is perfectly normal and acceptable for babies.

I find in Mary not only a model for how to respond to my children, but also comfort for myself.  When I have trouble getting to sleep at night I will say a rosary.  I used to feel bad about falling asleep during such an important prayer, but now I think it's probably not so bad.  I imagine Mary must take some comfort in being able to bring me rest when nothing else seems to work, and what better way to fall asleep than in the loving hands of Our Blessed Mother.  As a mother who has been there countless times with my own babies, I know there is nothing better than the feeling of a baby who has been fighting sleep finally resting on your chest, deep in slumber.  Few things in life satisfy my soul the way bringing comfort does, and I believe this is the truest honour of Mary's position in the Church - to be a giver of comfort not only to our Lord during His life, but to the rest of the Church forevermore.

Today, on the feast of our Lady of Lourdes (where St. Bernadette first received the prayer of the rosary to share with the entire church from Our Lady) I am so very thankful for the rosary, and the powerful prayer it has become in our family.  I am grateful for our Blessed Mother and the comfort and guidance she gives to me, as I try to imitate her in leading our family to Jesus.  And I pray that many will come to know her love, and in so doing will find Jesus, which is her truest joy.

Our Lady of Lourdes - pray for us!

Aaron getting an early start on the rosary

What My Home Says About Me

Every now and then, I like to dream about the things I'd have to for my family.  In a perfect world, we would have a huge house with more than enough living space for our still-growing family.  We would have perfectly designed and stylish rooms, that were kept perfectly clean by my perfectly responsible children.  I'd like to indulge myself for a moment, and show you what this looks like in my mind:

Think of how well we could put all this space to use!

Many happy meals could take place around this table

Functional and stylish for a large family

Tastfully boy!

Until I win the lottery however, this is what I have:

Modest four-bedroom in the country (that needs a bit of work)

Dining room with handed-down furniture, finish scratched from many happy meals enjoyed by many children over the years, walls cluttered with school supplies because it also doubles as a classroom.

Living room with stuff in every possible corner,
because it also doubles as a classroom

This room is boy all right.  We'll leave it at that.

To tell you the truth, it doesn't bother me.  There was a time I wished we had done a better job of paying off our debts before we started having kids, maybe had a bit of a nest-egg so that we had more disposable income to put towards a mortgage on a bigger house.  And there was a time I was mortified to have anyone pull up to my house and see how desperately unfinished it is on the outside, or how messy the yard is.  Or to have anyone step inside and see the knicks and dents in the wall, where the white drywall underneath almost seems fluorescent peeking through the paint.  

I will confess that for me, the living room was the most difficult to surrender, particularly when we started homeschooling.  For a while I thought I could relegate all of the "school" material to the dining room.  It was a bit foolish, as desks were shoved into any space they would fit, and we all bumped into furniture anytime we tried to move (the poor kids were elbowing walls when they tried to write!)  I desperately wanted one space - just one space - that was grown up, and the living room was it. The problem is that, being a "living" room, it is where most of the living happens.  After Christmas I did a massive re-organization of my upstairs, and finally moved some desks into the living room where the kids had more space to work (and freed up some much-needed space in the dining room).  I especially hated the desk in the corner by the TV, which I have no way of hiding, and just doesn't seem to fit traditional living room decor.  But then again, there isn't much "traditional" about us.  Or maybe there is - and maybe that's beautiful.

These days, if you enter my home, you will see signs of the life that takes place within it.  A life that has too much work to be completed in the run of a day (or several).  A life that embraces faith, family, and education.  A life that is full of children and the wonderful joy (and sometimes, destruction) that comes with them.  A life where parents works hard to maintain some order, but also strive to spend time with each other and focus on the important things.  A life where we take each day one step at a time, walking together, working together, and living - together.

I like my dumpy little house.  But if I ever win the lottery, I might upgrade just a little.