At eight, six, four 1/2, three and 18 months, each of the kids has their own "quirks" that challenge me according to their particular stage in life. I struggle on a good day trying to walk patiently through these days, but with everything going on and the miserable day that it was, I was completely empty. For the first time in a long time, I lost it - several times. I felt awful. I texted my husband and said, "I don't want to be everything, and I don't want to be nothing...I just want to make it through without being crushed." I spent the day up and down between high and low points, calling on the Lord for help and lamenting my crazy, unpredictable schedule.
I heard the words to a familiar song, and was tremendously comforted.
In my heart
there’s a sadness building up
Every turn adds to the cup
As the losses match the measure of my gains
In the shadow of this curse
Where the best implies the worst
If you’re like me you’ll need to hear somebody pray
there’s a sadness building up
Every turn adds to the cup
As the losses match the measure of my gains
In the shadow of this curse
Where the best implies the worst
If you’re like me you’ll need to hear somebody pray
· May
the Lord bless and keep you
May His face shine upon you
May His graciousness be like an endless stream
May the Lord show His favour
To your house and your neighbor
Until last remaining strains of striving ceaseMay He grant you peace.
(Steve Bell, For the Journey). May His face shine upon you
May His graciousness be like an endless stream
May the Lord show His favour
To your house and your neighbor
Until last remaining strains of striving ceaseMay He grant you peace.
It reminded me of another time a few years ago when I had a similar moment, that time on my way out for work in the morning. I was struggling trying to get all of the kids ready when one of the older boys refused to get dressed - and I lost it. I felt guilty all day about it, even though I apologized and he moved on pretty quickly. I couldn't shake my guilt over the whole thing, and I was driving somewhere at noon hour that day and heard that song, and my heart just opened up in a prayer. Sometimes, we really do just need to hear someone else pray - may the Lord grant you peace. And then, as yesterday, the Lord filled my heart with peace, as I set about my journey once more.
It's easy to drown in guilt, especially when the mistakes you make are so huge. But that's not where God wants us to stay. Guilt can be a tremendous motivator for change I think, but if we stay there it can also bring us down into deeper despair, and consequently deeper sin. Wherever you are on your journey, whatever your struggles, know that people are always praying even when you can't pray yourself. May He grant you peace for the journey, as you strive to walk each day along His path.
