A Kids' House

I remember having a conversation with a coworker when I was expecting my fourth child. It was about the clutter you accumulate in your house when you have kids. In particular the living room, and how despite my best efforts to make it a grown up space, it always ends up with toys along every square inch of the perimeter (if I'm lucky, and they haven't been strewn across the entire room). He talked about visiting friends and seeing all the toys their kids had out in the main living areas, and how ridiculous that was. And at the time I desperately wished for a space of my own in all this craziness. A place where we could entertain friends that was sophisticated, modern, and free of toys.

And now, I'm home full time. Not only that, but I have two extra children, and I'm homeschooling. So in addition to the extra little ones and all their toys, I also have school desks in my dining room and work pinned up all around the upstairs of my house. Not only does the living room look like a play room, but the dining room looks like a classroom. But you know what? I don't mind it so much anymore. In fact, I really love it. Because the fact is that kids do live here - they are part of this family, and this is their space too. I do have my own space - it's called a bedroom, but the rest of the house is meant to be shared by a family, not just me. And people who come into my home should realize that. I am happy when I look around my house that signs of the life contained within are everywhere to be found.

When I see all of their stuff, it reminds me how fun it is to have them around, and to enjoy them being so little. Because like it or not, some day they are going to grow up. And I know I'm really going to miss these days. So I figure I may as well make the most of it, and celebrate their young lives while I am in the midst of it. It will be a sad day when there are no toys in my living room. But if I'm anything like my mother, I'll get to do it all over again when I have my own grandchildren - and maybe with even more stuff!

The World's Greatest Spiritual Epidemic

These are notes from one of the best talks I have ever heard in my life.  It was given by Brett Powell, at a CCO conference in December 2001.  I came across an old notebook a few weeks ago and found it, and it is as convicting to me today as it was when I heard it ten years ago (maybe more).  Enjoy!

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You know the kind of person who goes to a conference, and gets really on fire for Jesus?  Who is so convicted, they can’t wait to get home and tell everyone what they have seen and heard?  When they get back to the routine of life, maybe they start off pretty good – going to mass regularly, praying every day, receiving the sacraments.  But then as time goes on, they start to lose their fire.  Prayer and sacraments become a little less important.  They no longer feel the same passion, and they start to get lazy in their faith.  I know this person well, because I have been there many times.  When you live conference to conference, and do not have any other spiritual life, you have what is known as Spiritual Apathy. 

Spiritual Apathy is a condition of the heart that is characterized by indifference and inactivity. It is when your obedience is not equal to your knowledge; in other words, when your knowledge of the faith is greater than your obedience to it.  It is when we know that Jesus is the Saviour of the world, but we do little to make Him known to others.

Apathy is a serious threat to the spread of the Gospel.  More so than nonbelievers or persecutors, those who say they believe in God and do not act accordingly turn people away.  Why?  Because your life is a witness.  Once you’ve made a public decision for Jesus, you have said to the world, “I am a Christian”, and they will judge you based on that.  They will judge what you do, not just what you say (be careful to make them the same).  They may also judge Christianity, especially if you are acting with hypocrisy (or appear to be).

Your life is a witness.  The question is what are you witnessing to?

Don’t get depressed if this sounds like you.  I guarantee that we have all been there at one point or another in our walk with Jesus.  Remember that God encourages, Satan discourages.  As you listen, remember the words that follow are not meant to discourage you, but to call you to action and encourage you to live as Jesus calls us to.

Why does Apathy affect so many of us?

An epidemic is dangerous because it is a disease that spreads rapidly and infects many.  Apathy is the world’s greatest spiritual epidemic.  Why?

1. Because of the influence of the world around us
   The world evangelizes us in its ways.  Because of that, we try to isolate our faith (to survive).  Sharing our faith leads to confrontation, so we often shy away from it (because it is difficult or uncomfortable to do so).  This is the opposite of what we should be doing!  As St. Francis said, “sanctify yourself, and you will sanctify society.”        
2. Because we have lost a sense of the importance of evangelizationRalph Martin says the world tries to convince us that wide is the road that leads to Heaven, and that many are going there.  The world would also have us believe that the road that leads to destruction is narrow, and that few will take that road.  But we know that there is only one way, and that no one comes to the Father except through Jesus.  It has never been more important than now to share your faith.  The number of people who don’t know Christ (haven’t experienced Jesus as Lord) is increasing even though there are more converts (the number has doubled since Vatican II).  Mary told us at Fatima that “souls are falling into Hell like snowflakes”.  And Pope John Paul II said, “we must move fast, because the enemy is moving faster.”  We need to remember to move with a controlled sense of urgency, like salt in a recipe.  Enough to taste, but not so much that it leaves a bad taste in your mouth.  We need to plant seeds, and leave the rest to God.  Pope John Paul II tells us, “Now is not the time to be ashamed of the Gospel, but to shout it from the rooftops!”
3. Because due to our fallen nature, we want to take the path of least resistanceIt is difficult to live a life for Christ.  But Pope John Paul II tells us, “If you are who you should be, you will set the world ablaze.”  We must be prepared to meet persecution (Jesus did).  A missionary can be described as someone who goes to a place where he is not wanted, to sell a pearl that, although of great value, is not valued, to a people who will not accept it even as a gift.  Therefore, do not seek your consolation from the world.  The apostles Peter and John were ordered not to preach under fear of death (not just dirty looks) – they prayed for boldness in the face of persecution.
4. Because we don’t really know what to doVery often we have a heart to evangelize, but we may not know how.  We need to educate and train ourselves, in the same way you would for a career (if you aspire to be a doctor, you go to medical school).  How?  By giving yourself 100% to the sacraments, prayer, reading the bible, studying the teachings of the church, attending retreats and conferences, etc.  When you feel called to evangelize, Satan will tell you one of two things:  1) Sure you can do it, you’re great! Or 2) You can’t do it, look at how sinful you are.  But Jesus says, “Go, for I am with you.”  The principle agent for evangelization is not you, it’s the Holy Spirit.  All you need to do is share what God has done in your life.  1 Corinthians 1:26-28 says, “Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth.  But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.  God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are.”
5. Because we experience spiritual gluttonyThe abundance and availability of religious material is a tremendous gift of the Church.  There is, however, the temptation to use it for our own growth and advancement, with little regard for the growth of others.  This elevates our pride, and results in greed.  We need a balance of personal and missionary formation.  Once we receive knowledge, we need to share it with others.

The most important contributing factor to spiritual apathy is the absence of a personal, compassionate, undying love for Jesus – the kind that is contagious.  The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference (apathy).  Revalations 2:2-4 says, “I know your works, your labor, your service, your endurance, yet I hold this against you, for you have lost the love you had at first.”  And St. John Vianney says, “There is nothing more commonly discussed among Christians than love for God, yet nothing so uncommon.”  Pope John Paul II challenged the excuse that we are too busy by saying that if we loved the Lord, we would make more time.  It is not a lack of time but a lack of love that leads to spiritual apathy.

We are called to dig deep in Christ, not just conference to conference – we need to raise the standards.  Evangelization is driven by your love for Christ.  The prophets were pushed into life by something more powerful than themselves.  We need to respond generously to the prompting of the Holy Spirit. 

The more we come to know Jesus, the more we will love Him.  The Church is an everlasting mine containing many treasures; no matter how far you go, no matter how deep you dig, you never come to their end - fresh riches are on either side.  There are several treasures in the Catholic Church that help us to evangelize, including sacraments, spirituality, prayer, scriptures, the lives of the Saints – all of these things feed you, and help you to know Christ more.

It’s time to be honest with ourselves – and remember, this is not meant to discourage, but rather to call you to action:

-       Have I taken advantage of the many means Christ has given me to
         grow closer to Him?

-       Am I making time to pray every day, as often as I can?

-       Am I reading God’s word in the scriptures every day?

-       Do I seek the Christ who is powerfully and personally present in the
         sacrament of reconciliation?

-       Have I made the Eucharist my absolute lifeline?

Christ makes Himself available to us when we call on Him.  The question is, do you burn for the love of Christ?  Because if you are who you should be, you will set the world ablaze.

The Gifting and the Giver

I can't take credit for the title of this note.  It's a song from the new Steve Bell CD Kindness (which I highly recommend). Before I even knew all the words, one line in particular struck me - "the painter of this picture I adore, the Gifting and the Giver".  I love the thought of God as an artist, and as I listened closer to the song I realized it was about the author sitting on a beach, admiring all the different things he could see and hear (the sound of waves crashing, sands shifting, rocks carved out by waves, sunsets) and in so adoring this vast beauty, he was adoring God Himself.  Beautiful!

I spent the afternoon humming this song. I looked at my two-month-old baby, and listened to the chorus:

And I on shore admire this living scripture 

And adore the painter of this picture

I adore the gifting and the Giver

I admired my little one, adoring this beautiful gift and the One who gave him to me. I can totally relate to this song.

Lately I have taken great joy in creativity through homeschooling my two oldest children.  As we sit together, painting, or building, or writing, I have been unable to articulate exactly how I feel.  People ask me how it's going, and I try to explain how wonderful it is, but I can't seem to find the right words.  I'll say, "I painted with the kids today, it was so great!"  And I can tell they're like, "yeah...okay."  But I know they really don't get what I'm trying to say.  Mostly because I didn't really know what I was trying to say myself.

It's beyond joy, happiness, even excitement - though these are definitely part of it.  It almost seems silly to me to feel so much about something so relatively minor.  I am not a great artist, nor a great writer - yet the thrill of creating resonates in me. In listening to this song I realize that it's not only the creation but the Creator that has me so excited.  Sharing in the masterpiece of the life God has created in me and my children by being so intimately involved in their learning is exhilarating!  And it causes me to turn my heart with joy to the painter of this glorious picture. He continues His great work with me watching, and just when I think He's done He adds another stroke, and then another, and while I could never imagine it being more beautiful - it is.  Life is like this, and in this way we are truly the greatest of God's creatures.  Because He spends a lifetime perfecting us, and when we think we're done, He adds one more stroke, and we are more beautiful than ever.

I can really relate to the thought of God as an artist, not because I am an artist, but because I appreciate beauty.  And being home with my family every day, watching my children grow, teaching and learning alongside them, it is ever before my eyes.  How can I not be filled with joy?

You can get more information about Steve Bell's new CD on his website, http://stevebell.com/music-video/discography/kindness-album/.

Sometimes Life can be Crappy

Our fifth son Aaron is absolute perfection at two months old.  He is always happy, rarely cries, and even when he is fussy is soothed simply by our presence.  He eats every few hours through the day, sleeps through the night, and is a generally content little baby.  I marvel at him every day.

Yesterday I took the big boys and Aaron to the museum.  And as I sat with my perfect little baby while the big boys did a craft with an employee in the discovery area, my little darling started to fill his diaper.  The worker, a young guy, was busy instructing the kids on what to do, and I smiled sweetly at my baby hoping the sounds he was making were not too obvious.  Then I felt something warm on my hand - it was coming out of the side of his diaper!  Trying to be inconspicuous for the sake of the instructor (you never know with guys whether they are cool with babies, or if that would have completely grossed him out!) I turned Aaron the other way so he couldn't see what had just happened, managed to find a small piece of paper towel to clean out the little that had come out, and waiting for the kids to finish their work.  After which I promptly scurried them down to the washrooms so I could change my little stinker.  When I put him down onto the changing table, I noticed a wet spot on my shirt where I had been holding him.  And that's when I realized - my little one had an explosion out of his bum!  What a mess!  But he smiled sweetly, I joked with him as I cleaned him up, and it was all good.  What else can you do?

As funny as it is, it's pretty true that life, as with babies, can be pretty crappy sometimes.  I wish I could handle all of life's messes with as much grace as I handle the baby, but the truth is I have a lot of work to do.  It's crazy how quickly I go from calm to despair at the slightest sign trouble.  Like two children throwing a tantrum while my supper boils over.  Or someone falling off the top bunk while I'm nursing the baby.  Or a toddler who just needs to be in my arms while I have to vaccuum three days of crunched up snacks on the floor.  Those are the times when I lose my cool - when I find myself thinking, "why does everything go wrong all at once?"

It's easy to keep things in perspective when the cause of your upheaval is a sweet little two-month-old who is practically perfect in every way (okay, except maybe one!)  What takes work is remembering that the older kids are also just as sweet and innocent as the baby, and that the chaos is no more their fault than it is the baby's, it's just part of life.  And there is something incredible that is gained from maintaining composure and handling these situations with grace.  You live life and experience it, instead of allowing it to consume you.  You get through the tough times with joy, with the people you love supporting you through it.  And who knows, you might even be able to laugh at it together, this crazy life that you are all so privileged to share.  That way beats blowing your top, sending the kids to their rooms, and grumbling under your breath.

Lord, help me to see all of my children in the same in the same way I see the baby - to marvel in joy, be positive in difficulty, and clean up life's little (and not so little) messes together.  May I never allow despair to rob me of the beauty in every situation that comes our way.

Mess

I learned something today - that any mess can be cleaned up.  Okay, so it's not earth shattering.  In fact, most of you probably already knew that.  I thought I did too.

This afternoon I painted with the kids.  And can you believe that in the six and a half years I've been a mother, I can count the number of times I've done this on one hand?  Occassionally if the little ones were napping, I might be inclined to set the older kids up with some paint while I took care of some housework.  But even that's risky, because as soon as they get up from the table with their paint-filled hands it's a disaster waiting to happen.

A few weeks ago, we started homeschooling our oldest son.  And seeing the artwork he brought home from Kindergarden and his first few months of grade one, I knew I wanted to continue to encourage those same skills at home.  Homeschooling makes it necessary for me to completely schedule my day, and so while I would previously set the kids up with their art supplies and leave them to amuse themselves while I tended to the countless other duties that need my attention (Moms, you know what it's like!), now my job is teacher.  Specifically, from 1:30-2:30 on Tuesdays, Art teacher.

So I did some research, found a simple project, and painted with the kids.  I helped them make outlines, mix paint, and then did some painting of my own.  Long after the older boys had finished and gone off to play, my three-year-old son and I remained - I painting, and he...well...experimenting with "watercolor" (is that what you call it when you paint a picture, and then drizzle your paint brush in water and soak everything you just painted?)  It was so therapeutic for me, because I love to paint and create.  As I looked at the growing mess, I did not feel the need to clean it up right away.  We were having too much fun!  And besides, it wasn't 2:30 yet.

Sometimes schedules can be restrictive, but I'm finding more and more that they are also freeing.  They say, "don't rush away just yet, the time for work will come.  Play with your kids."  I always thought I would be the kind of Mom who just did this intuitively, and yet I allowed myself time and again to be consumed with the daily duties of running a household.  Now, with more on my plate than ever, I am feeling way more in control and at peace in my life.  And it's because I'm spending more quality time with my kids.

I thought I knew that any mess could be cleaned up, but obviously I didn't.  Because I held back on doing so many things with my kids, for fear of making a mess that I would inevitably have to clean up.  Maybe that's why God lead me on this path of homeschooling.  Because He knew I wouldn't want to reach the end of their childhood and say, "I wish I had done more with them."  I'm starting to learn that it's worth it to have a big mess to clean, if you had a good time making that mess with people you love.

I love teaching, learning, playing and creating with my children.  And if things get a bit messy along the way, I say bring it!  The best things in life always take a little extra work.

Leftovers

I regularly apologize to Jeff for giving him my leftovers.  You know, whatever's left of me by the time everyone else has had their fill.  Which isn't much, considering there are so many people who need me so intensely.  I'm not complaining, I love being a Mom to my five beautiful children.  Still, I do find myself feeling a bit neglectful of my husband.

This past Friday night Jeff came home to an empty house, as the kids and I had an outing for homeschool and then supper at Mom's.  When I arrived with our whole crew in tow they were down for the count, and we carted our sleepyheads off to bed.  It was still early in the evening, so Jeff and I curled up together and watched TV for a bit, revelling in the silence of a house full of sleeping children.

The following day, Jeff laid out a plan for the evening well in advance.  Once the kids were down for the night we would share a glass of sparkling wine, rent a movie, and snuggle up together.  And that's when it hit me - just because it's leftover time, doesn't mean it needs to be wasted time.  Kind of like leftovers from a really great meal, sometimes they taste better than the meal itself.  But far too often we allow what's left over to spoil.  Jeff is teaching me that as we should not do that with our food, the same is true of our time together.  It's a lot of work to arrange babysitters and drive the kids back and forth, especially in the evenings.  But it takes little effort to just say to each other, "keep tonight free for me".  Sometimes staying in and pampering each other can be just as good as a night on the town - maybe even better.

I love my crazy life, with all my crazy kids.  Mostly because I have a crazy, romantic, completely awesome husband by my side through it all, who never ceases to remind me that the best things in life can be found in the simplest moments.

That Family

Today, because we have some issues with our septic field that need my husband's immediate attention while the weather is mild, I had to take the kids (all five of them) to mass by myself.  I knew not to expect anything stellar of them, keeping in mind their ages and the fact that mass seems to bring out something in them that makes them get completely wired, and the fact that I only had about four solid hours of sleep last night.  Instead, as I prepared my heart before mass, I focused on the fact that this is important and that's why I'm willing to even try it by myself.  And that it is not about me but about all of us, and the greater benefit I know we will receive from being there.

You know how sometimes you just can't prepare yourself for the storm, no matter how hard you try?  That's how I felt.  We sat at our usual seat in the front, where a Christmas tree had been erected and decorated for the season - I should have picked a different seat.  Trying to keep my kids from removing the ornaments and redecorating the tree, and from jumping all over my infant in his carseat (who, praise God, stayed asleep throughout the entire mass - my only comfort!) and trying (and eventually giving up on) keeping my toddler from screaming throughout the entire consecration, to the point that a parishioner, feeling sorry for me, swooped her from my arms and took her for a much-needed walk - left me physically and emotionally exhausted.  Amidst encouragement from the priest and parishioners after mass (they are so forgiving!) I ducked my way out as fast as I could, and it was everything I could do not to burst into tears as I packed my little darlings into our van.

When we got home I sent them to timeouts or to play outside (depending on their level of disobedience at mass), and sat down, frustrated and thinking about how much I desperately hate being "that family" at mass.  You know, the one everyone stares at with thoughts like, "oh she has her hands full!", or "can't she control her children?", or even "why did she even bother to bring them when it's clearly too much?"  Week after week I feel like a spectacle at the front of our church, and God bless the lovely parishioners who are so patient and understanding at our church, because it's the only thing that allows me to keep my sanity (hanging by a thread though it may be).  I kept saying to myself, "there is dignity in motherhood, there is dignity in motherhood" because at the time I really needed to be convinced.

As I sat in the quiet of my house trying to calm my frazzled nerves, I thought about why I had even bothered in the first place - because this is important.  If I accomplish nothing else in this life, so long as my children know Jesus and how much He loves them then I have given them everything.  I knew this going into mass, and it wasn't God that was causing me to question that.  It was the voice of another, a dark one, whispering lies and causing me to feel shame and humiliation.  One who wants me to just say, "it's too hard."  I won't give in.

I also realized that I have my own struggles which make this situation so much harder than it needs to be on myself.  Because as much as I don't want to be "that family" that everyone thinks is crazy, there is definitely a part of me who wants to be "that family" with the perfectly well-behaved children, who sit still and listen attentively at mass.  Aren't they holy?  Aren't they such great parents?  Look at how good their children are.  Clearly there is something deeper going on in me, and as the Lord is breaking me of my pride the fact that it hurts so much shows me how very far I still have to go.

As I leave my quiet time to immerse myself in the rest of the day, I praise and thank God that He is so merciful to me, and pray for the grace to live up to the true dignity of my calling.  "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin." (Hebrews 4:15)  Jesus must have been tempted to wonder where the dignity was in His life as man, yet He did not cling to His glory, but submitted His entire life to His Father. And after being made the greatest spectacle, His true dignity was revealed.

Sometimes things are not as they seem.  Help me Lord to see the goodness in tough times, and to be humble enough to submit myself to You, trusting only in Your mercy.  Far greater than I have walked far more difficult paths.  May I truly be grateful for the trials You allow me to endure.