Where There Is Need

Many years ago, when my children were younger in age and fewer in number, I remember a dear friend (and mother of ten) telling me about how she met the needs of her older children while balancing life as a mother to very young children.  Because when you have many children, at a certain point you find yourself with two very different age groups at the same time.  The littlest children have a way of making sure their needs are met - they are very demanding and dependant, and parents of the very young will find they are on their mind most of the time.  We naturally gravitate to our littles, sensing their immense need and making ourselves available. But older children are a different bunch. As they grow and become more independent, we see them less.  We tend to them less, because they are doing more for themselves.  They don't open up as easily, even when we ask them about their lives, and it can be difficult knowing when to push, and when to allow the freedom and space to open up in their own time.



Through careful attention, my friend had discovered a secret to this older set - that if you stay up late, that's when they open up.  If you're still up when they get home from being out late at night, when the house is quiet and their siblings are all tucked in for the night, that's when according to her, the older children would open up.  She, who as the mother of small babies was often up through the nights and early into the morning, was always exhausted at day's end, and favored a reasonable, early bedtime. But once she happened upon this discovery, she felt it was essential for her to be available.  She would put on a pot of coffee to keep from falling asleep, and do her best to be awake when they got home. There in the late hours of the day, she became the happy recipient of the gift of their hearts, as they very willingly opened up about their lives and the struggles they were having.  It was not forced, it was simply a response to her being there.

I have always kept this with me, for the day when I had older children of my own.  I will admit that over the years I have come to romanticize it a bit, because I am a night owl myself.  I love the idea of staying awake, waiting for my older kids to come home, put on a pot of coffee and hearing all about their lives.  Isn't it funny how we can build up things in our mind?  We have a plan of how we might walk through a circumstance based on someone else's experience, and even imagine that because we know of their lives, we will somehow be spared a bit of the sacrifice.  True, sharing of wisdom is so encouraging, and I feel I have a treasure trove of life experience from friends I respect and value so much.  But still, God has His own way, and we can never really know it until we live it.

While I would happily sit into the late hours of the evening every night of the week, this does not seem to be when God wants me to be available for my children.  For me, the sacrifice comes out of my daytime, and specifically my precious little time with grownups. Over the past year it has been a struggle for me to make real connections with people, and I crave opportunities not just to socialize (which don't get me wrong, is beautiful in its own right), but to really grow in friendship by sharing life and experience.  I have had many beautiful moments lately of being surrounded by people that I am just dying to talk to about life, only to be constantly pulled away by children.

During a recent visit of friends from away, I missed many opportunities to gather with the rest of the adults because of errands for the kids.  At our CL Vacation last weekend, where sessions are offered for the adults while children participate in day programs, I was unable to leave my two youngest children alone, because they kept escaping to find me.  After several failed attempts at leaving them, I finally resigned myself to the fact that for this year, my vacation would be with them in their Petit Ecole.  While I was initially disappointed at this, over the course of the weekend I had many beautiful moments with my six younger children, and as I opened my heart to the possibility that maybe this was the Vacation God had intended for me, I felt more happy with my time there.

Upon returning home we had the joy of welcoming three friends who live abroad (in different parts of the world) who all happen to be visiting at the same time.  It has been a beautiful time of gatherings and day trips, but still I find myself longing for that connection.  Again my littlest ones require so much care; but this is to be expected. What has been surprising for me however, is how the needs of the older ones have made themselves apparent in this situation, and the sacrifice it has asked of me.

While the littler ones go to bed earlier, it's the older ones who are awake later into the evening, when I would hope to have quiet time to catch up.  And more than once during this week, I have found myself in a bedroom talking a child through a difficulty they were having, only to hear from behind the door the sounds of our guests leaving for the night.  It has been frustrating and discouraging, and yet a gift at the same time.  Because I realize that for me, this is my late night coffee. This is me waiting up, being there for them, putting myself and my own needs aside because, for whatever reason, this is the time when they are ready and willing to open up the most, and I don't want to miss that opportunity.

While I am still pained at missing opportunities with my friends, I realize that (hopefully) they will still be here after my children are grown.  For now, the most immediate need for my children is that whenever they are ready to open up, I am available. Whatever I need to sacrifice is worth it. Because while it is true that I would love to be connecting with friends, the gift of truly connecting with a child who has otherwise been closed off is far more valuable to me. What I receive when I make a choice for one of them is so precious, and the window for being able to take advantage of such a moment will not always be open.  Like my friend who came to recognize those times and prepared herself to meet her children, I want to anticipate them, and be a willing and available ear.

I am so grateful to my friend for her romantic example of making coffee and being awake for her children.  And I am thankful to God that He shows me a new way to be awake to my children in my own circumstance.  I don't have it all figured out, but I don't need to.  As long as I am attentive and alert, Jesus will guide me in whatever I need. I simply must be willing to be available wherever the need is presented to me.