And then yesterday happened. I believe the Lord stirred those memories for just such a day. A day that began like any other, and ended in two situations occurring simultaneously that reflected both how much of a burden I can be on people, and that I have no control over it. In one, what I thought was a small favor turned out to be a major (major) inconvenience with resulting loss for the person helping me. The other, a situation brought to my attention by friend that has been going on for some time, which has been bothering a few people who had not spoken to me directly about it. Both situations left me feeling awful - that I had put someone out so much, that I had offended people without knowing it for so long.
I tried to work both situations out, but as I sat in my house at the end of the day, my husband still at work finishing a 15-hour shift I realized that there was nothing I could do. I had to accept the fact that I am a burden sometimes. I followed my friend's link, and read those words:
O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed,
Deliver me, Jesus. From the desire of being loved...
From the desire of being extolled ...
From the desire of being honored ...
From the desire of being praised ...
From the desire of being preferred to others...
From the desire of being consulted ...
From the desire of being approved ...
From the fear of being humiliated ...
From the fear of being despised...
From the fear of suffering rebukes ...
From the fear of being calumniated ...
From the fear of being forgotten ...
From the fear of being ridiculed ...
From the fear of being wronged ...
From the fear of being suspected ...
That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I ...
That, in the opinion of the world,
others may increase and I may decrease ...
That others may be chosen and I set aside ...
That others may be praised and I unnoticed ...
That others may be preferred to me in everything...
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…
They took on such a different meaning back then. I was a teenager, and preparing to enter into youth groups and confirmation classes doing skits, playing music and giving talks. Oh, I hope they don't think I'm too great, I thought in my youth. But today, oh today - I really felt them. I want to be esteemed. I want to be praised. I want to be honoured. I certainly did not want to be the subject of grumblings or the cause of annoyance. I don't want to cause anyone to loose anything. All I want is to be a good person, I thought in my self-pity last night. But that's not the whole truth. I do want to be a good person, but I want other people to think I'm a good person as well. And when you try your hardest to do your best, and still come out looking like you're inconsiderate and unrealistic, everything inside of you wants to scream, "I wouldn't have asked if I had known it was going to be so hard!" or "I would have done something sooner if I knew!" And maybe (like I did) you do. But it doesn't make a difference. It doesn't undo the fact that the situation is what it is, and you have your role to play in it - the burden.
The Lord uses burdens in peoples' lives for His own purpose. We may never know what they are. I sure as one never want to be one. And yet, here I find myself. And I suspect it won't be the last time. I think about people who are ill, people who are old, people who have been hit with tragedy - all of who, like it or not, must accept the role of burden. When it's a burden you can prepare for, say labor and delivery or a surgery (both of which I have been blessed to have so many people help me through) that's one thing. But when it happens unexpectedly, despite your best intentions, and when you never wanted it - that's tough. That's where I am. A big, old, burden.
From the desire to be liked by everyone, deliver me Jesus.
From the desire to be right, deliver me Jesus.
From the desire to be understood, deliver me Jesus.
From the desire of never making life hard for anyone, deliver me Jesus.
Grant that through this I may know you more deeply, and if my discomfort serves a greater purpose in the lives of those around me, Jesus grant me the grace to desire it.
Deliver me, Jesus. From the desire of being loved...
From the desire of being extolled ...
From the desire of being honored ...
From the desire of being praised ...
From the desire of being preferred to others...
From the desire of being consulted ...
From the desire of being approved ...
From the fear of being humiliated ...
From the fear of being despised...
From the fear of suffering rebukes ...
From the fear of being calumniated ...
From the fear of being forgotten ...
From the fear of being ridiculed ...
From the fear of being wronged ...
From the fear of being suspected ...
That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I ...
That, in the opinion of the world,
others may increase and I may decrease ...
That others may be chosen and I set aside ...
That others may be praised and I unnoticed ...
That others may be preferred to me in everything...
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…
They took on such a different meaning back then. I was a teenager, and preparing to enter into youth groups and confirmation classes doing skits, playing music and giving talks. Oh, I hope they don't think I'm too great, I thought in my youth. But today, oh today - I really felt them. I want to be esteemed. I want to be praised. I want to be honoured. I certainly did not want to be the subject of grumblings or the cause of annoyance. I don't want to cause anyone to loose anything. All I want is to be a good person, I thought in my self-pity last night. But that's not the whole truth. I do want to be a good person, but I want other people to think I'm a good person as well. And when you try your hardest to do your best, and still come out looking like you're inconsiderate and unrealistic, everything inside of you wants to scream, "I wouldn't have asked if I had known it was going to be so hard!" or "I would have done something sooner if I knew!" And maybe (like I did) you do. But it doesn't make a difference. It doesn't undo the fact that the situation is what it is, and you have your role to play in it - the burden.
The Lord uses burdens in peoples' lives for His own purpose. We may never know what they are. I sure as one never want to be one. And yet, here I find myself. And I suspect it won't be the last time. I think about people who are ill, people who are old, people who have been hit with tragedy - all of who, like it or not, must accept the role of burden. When it's a burden you can prepare for, say labor and delivery or a surgery (both of which I have been blessed to have so many people help me through) that's one thing. But when it happens unexpectedly, despite your best intentions, and when you never wanted it - that's tough. That's where I am. A big, old, burden.
From the desire to be liked by everyone, deliver me Jesus.
From the desire to be right, deliver me Jesus.
From the desire to be understood, deliver me Jesus.
From the desire of never making life hard for anyone, deliver me Jesus.
Grant that through this I may know you more deeply, and if my discomfort serves a greater purpose in the lives of those around me, Jesus grant me the grace to desire it.
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